"Oh no Lois!"

I can't believe that Halloween is just around the corner! Porter is so excited to be Superman this year. He's been watching the old classic Superman cartoon so it was an easy pick for him. He could hardly wait to get home and try on his costume that he insisted on holding from the moment we paid for it. Now every night he wont lay down until I show him where it's hanging in his closet. What a cutie! One of my favorite things is that when he's watching the cartoon he'll yell out "oh no Lois!" whenever she gets in trouble.

I can't wait to go trick-or-treating with him! We should be quite the pair this Halloween as Superman and Lois Lane.

Sublime

Life Is But A Stopping Place
Life is but a stopping place,
A pause in what's to be,
A resting place along the road,
to sweet eternity.
We all have different journeys.
Different paths along the way,
We all were meant to learn some things,
but never meant to stay...
Our destination is a place,
Far greater than we know.
For some the journey's quicker,
For some the journey's slow.
And when the journey finally ends,
We'll claim a great reward,
And find an everlasting peace,
Together with the lord

Author unknown

Ten years ago this morning a dear friend passed away. I find myself in awe at how much time has passed and still how deep the loss is felt. As it seems to always be, death makes you stop and think about the life you have at hand and I find myself lost in that very thought.

I can’t help but ask myself ‘have I lived each day to its fullest like I swore I would the day we laid my friend to rest?’ I know the answer is no. I have been caught up in things of little or no importance. I have been stressed out about things I cannot control. I have wasted a lot of the last ten years. I have forgotten my promise to my fallen friend.

I feel a need to be happier today. When I reflect on my friend and the last words he said to me I find myself longing for that peace and simplicity that surrounded the last moment I have of him.

I have many things to say and little time to post so for this moment I just wanted to say:

I remember what you said, I am thinking of you, I miss you and the confidence you had in me.

Rest is peace Cody.

June 1978 - August 1999

A Scoup of Croup

Well early Friday morning, and by early I mean 0000 hours, Mr. Porter woke up in a crazy coughing fit. He couldn’t catch his breath, couldn’t stop coughing, and couldn’t help but cry in between coughs. Even after sitting up he couldn’t stop coughing. I offered him a drink of water but he turned it down stating “owie cough”. Then came the wheezing. Porter has been sick on occasion but fortunately it’s never gotten really bad. This was the first time I’d ever heard him wheezing. It was unknown if he had swallowed something, although highly unlikely since he was sleeping, however there was also the possibility of the H1N1 virus, or a variety of illnesses floating around daycare. The cough sounded a bit croupy but drier than I thought croup sounded so off to the ER we went, because nothing ever happens when InstaCare or the regular doc is open.

We arrived at Alta View around 0030 and signed in. Due to his cough we had to put a mask on. The staff there was so nice and gave us our own waiting room. After about fifteen minutes the nurse took us back and got his information. I was so tired I gave them the wrong date of birth. She corrected me and we laughed. She said “sometimes we make a typo and sometimes it’s just one o’clock in the morning”.

We headed down the hallway through construction and sickness to an actual room rather than the other patients that were separated by curtain only. Porter admired his matching wristband and mask and laid patiently waiting for the doctor. Eventually she came in and checked him out. She tried to get him to cough but of course he had stopped at this point. She gave me the option of waiting for x-rays or just treating the croup. We chose to just get to the treatment and after they gave him a steroid for the swelling in the throat I could tell he felt much better.

The nicest nurse came in and set up his breathing treatment and then we just hung out for another thirty minutes letting him breathe in the cool mist. He was entertained by it for about ten minutes and then it was twenty minutes of me trying to come up with games to go along with it.

Eventually we were discharged from Alta View and made our way back home where we could finally get some sleep. For our first ER visit it went well with a outcome. Let’s hope any that follow will have similar results.

The Sleep Theory

sleep: verb -to take the rest afforded by a suspension of voluntary bodily functions
sleep: noun-the repose of death

Death is something that I have a hard time explaining to myself so how am I supposed to explain it to my three year old. I am at a loss of what to say. My lips quiver. My eyes begin to well up with tears. I pause. I think this is the point where most parents develop their own version of the sleep theory, and for me this is where I found myself at 0630 this morning on the drive to daycare. I took a deep breath and began.

“Porter” I say. “What” is the reply from the back seat. My mind is racing for the right words, the careful simplicity I must provide for the complexity of what I’m about to say. I sigh. “Aden timeout?” he asks inquisitively. “Yes, Aden is in timeout.” “Aden not nice?” he continues to quiz me for the answers he’s looking for. “No, Aden was not nice. Aden hurt Jess”.

At this point my pulse is racing and my sight is getting blurry. “Nanny, Jess?” and then I say it quickly because I don’t know what else to say. “Porter, Aden hurt Jess, and now Jess is asleep and gone to heaven and we won’t see him any more ok?” There is a quiet moment before he answers me. “Aden owie Jess?” I look back and see him wanting to understand so I try to use words I know he understands. “Aden was not soft with Jess. Jess big owie. Jess went to sleep, like the ants in the kitchen.” “Jess sleepin?” “Yes Jess is sleeping now in Heaven with Jesus.” “I go church see Nanny, Jess?” and that’s my breaking point. I don’t know what else to say. I am quiet and then he understands that something is different. “You otay mom?” “Yes Porter mommy is just sad”. “You sad Jess?”, “Yes.” And then much more quiet he asks “Jess sleepin?” “Yes my love. Jess is sleepin” and my tiny little three year old who has no idea what has happened simply tells me “its otay mommy” as he puts his little feet up on my middle console knocking his shoes back and forth. “you’re my mommy”.

There are not words to express the emotion I felt last night and feel today. I am still wrapping my mind around the circumstances that were Jess’ last moments and why they happened. I know he wasn’t a person, that he was a pet, but he was our pet and the absence I feel is deafening.

Sleep well Jess.

Oh Happy Day

Today Porter and I stopped by Grandma's and Grandpa's house to have lunch and play on the playland. Uncle Steve came out and sat down on one of the swings. As he and I were chatting Porter came over and jumped on Steve's lap. Steve was trying to find a place to set his drink while Porter was trying to hoist himself up. I went over and held Steve's drink while he helped Porter up on the swing. Porter was laughing and smiling while Steve took them higher and higher. When Porter and I got home he said "I swing Teve gain". "You want to swing with Steve again?" I asked. "Yup" he said kicking his feet back and forth. We love Uncle Steve!

Spring is here!

I took this picture with my phone and really loved the way it turned out. It's a tulip I bought when I was sure Winter would never turn to Spring. Hope it brightens your day.

"Nanny Tone"

I thought I would introduce Porter's pet guinea pigs. He is very fond of them and loves to drive them around the house in a tupperware container. The big brown and white guinea pig is Sammy. He was the first one we bought. On our way to the store we asked Porter what he wanted to name the guinea pig. He quickly stated "Nanny". "Nanny?" we asked. "No Nanny". "Sammy?" we tried again. "Yes!" So Sammy it was.

Later on we decided that Sammy needed some company so we headed out to get another pig. Again we asked Mr. Porter what he wanted the name the new guinea pig. He immeidately answered "Jess" and so here they are Sammy and Jess, or if you ask Porter it's Nanny Tone and Jess Tone (we're still working on the S in Stone)

My Heisman Candidate

He’s sleeping in his car seat now
So busy was his day
With reading books and finger paints
And don’t forget the clay

He cannot understand quite yet
The love I have inside
This little boy that’s only three
A mother full of pride

I wonder to myself at times
Will I be strong enough
To be there like my mother was
Through good times and the rough

Give everything I have and more
To make sure that he can
Become whatever he wants to be
Watch him become a man

My mother always did her best
To teach us all with love
And showed us by her example
The path to God above

There is no way to put in words
The blessing my mom is
The hot meals that she made for us
The hours prepping for a quiz

I glance into the mirror at
This little boy all spent
And thank the Lord for a mother
Who knew what “mother” meant

And as the traffic starts to flow
One lane and another
I know I can be a great mom
With thanks to my mother.

Simplicity

I have adopted a new goal: DE-JUNK MY LIFE! This process includes tangible and non-tangible things. I'm sorting through every aspect of ME from physical to emotional and am doing my best to eliminate the things that I have that no longer serve a purpose for me, should never have been kept in the first place, along with things that are keeping me from being happy.

I'm not sure if it's the change of season (I say this a few days before we're possibly getting snow) or just a realization of self but I have felt a great need to re-evaluate myself and my life. There has been so much drama in my life, some by my own lack of good reasoning and some from outside sources. (I can say that for the most part I have done a great job to avoid drama I create myself but have found that the latter has become an almost daily battle)

I have been aware of my increasing junk heap for some time but it was the passing of a family friend in recent months that really sparked questions in me: Is this how I want my life to be? Is this all I have to look forward to? Am I willing to change it? That's when I really started de-junking and simplifying my life. It will be a long process but I'm hoping that in that process I will become the happy, laid back, life living person I so want to be.

Part of de-junking is going through my emails and deleting the ones I've kept that I will never read again. While doing this I came across this picture of Porter. It always makes me smile.

By the way, if you're reading this blog then you have no need to worry, I wont be sending you to the recycle bin in my life.

"Let there be light"

When I thought about blogging I had all these great ideas. I have seen many fine examples of blogs and said to myself "go get em" and then I came to the post page and everything went dark. My mind was empty. My thoughts had escaped. That's when it hit me: Am I blogger material? Ok it really wasn't that dramatic but the point is I'm really nervous about this whole thing and hope that in time I will feel like I have something I am pleased with. With that said let me bring you all up to date:

For those of you that don't know Porter is enrolled in a pre-preschool class through the Jordan School District. His teacher is a very nice lady by the name of Kathleen Sciurba (sure-ba). He gets to ride a school bus to and from Rosamond Elementary twice a week. He is talking more and more every day and learning so much! Speaking of learning, the other day he woke up in the night and came in to tell me that "sharks are eating my blanket". That's the last time I let him watch shark week with me...oops.

Levi has recently applied for Midvale PD and hopes to hear from them this week. He and Porter could play all day and night I think. He is great at keeping up with him and making everything a fun game. He's also a master of kitchen creations and is great at making Ramen a delight. We're hoping to get him and Aden out to Disney Land this September but those plans are still in the early stage.

Aden is going to turn 8 this year! He is excited about being baptized and loves to sing. He is living in Cedar City with his mom but will hopefully have some time up in Salt Lake this summer.

As for me I am excited for Spring to arrive and excited for all the change that comes with a new season. I'm looking forward to getting out in the sunshine and teaching Porter to swim. We might even build a summer resort (hutch) for Sammy and Jess (Porter's guinea pigs). I'm excited for this blog because it's been a long time since I've sat down to write and anticipate it will bring a bit of sunshine into my clouded mind.

As I have to get back to work let me end with a quote I like by Bruce Barton: "When you're through changing, you're through."

Hope you have good change today.