Carrot Cake

We celebrated the hub's birthday recently. He has yet to use the last three gifts I've given him for events such as this and so I purchased some small useful items for him. After the usual dining out we returned home to do presents and cake. He opened his cards and told the yougins thanks. He somehow managed to pass up my thank you all together. We moved on to the cake. Now previously we had an event where a friend of mine made us carrot cake. Everyone ate it with glee. Keeping this in mind and how the hub is trying not to eat a lot of sweets I had a carrot cake made (unfortunately not by my friend). As we cut into the cake my youngin chimes in how much they dislike raisins, then the hub adds "I don't even like carrot cake" then my youngin "me either, I don't like it". I sigh and try to explain why I picked it. "I used to but not at all anymore" says the hub. "I really don't want to eat this" says Youngin. "Well don't eat it then" I say. After a few fork attacks to a piece the hub decides he's done and tosses his plate into the sink. Now just days earlier this was attempted with a cup of juice resulting in a miss and a mess. This time was no different. Off the rim and cake goes flying all over onto the floor. No, no I'll get it... As Hub and youngins go off to get ready for sleep I take the cake to the neighbors' house and leave its sad state with them. I slouch my shoulders and head inside only to be greeted with more complaints. It was a long night, full of emptiness in a moment that should have been full of love and celebration. I will not make this mistake twice.

I am at a strange place in my life. I feel directionless, waiting on so many things that I'm stuck in one place until something happens. I have three boys romping around all day, my stepson here for summer vacation, my oldest trying to keep up with him, and my youngest crawling his way into everything he can't touch. The two older boys have been fighting non-stop it seems however whenever one is in time out the other is begging for me to give them "one more chance". My house is cluttered. I'm trying to dejunk so many boxes from so many moves ago it feels at time easier to just throw them all out on the next garbage day. I don't sleep well and I don't eat much. When I do it's more an act for the boys to have a parent eating with them. My husband works so much and complains even more about my skills as a housewife. I wonder most days if I'm cut out for it. I'm hoping as soon as summer turns back into school days and my stepson returns to his mom's that I will be able to get control of this cardboard chaos lingering around every corner. My little one just hit a milestone and the photographer captured every moment with precision. She was so energetic and captivating. It made me wonder what the heck I was doing in my life. I am not energetic nor captivating. I was doing well at getting some physical exercise in each day, but with my husband's ever changing schedule that has again fallen to the way side and as I slump here in this chair I am ever reminded of a time before when I was captivating and energetic and HAPPY as a woman, as a wife. I am happy to be a mom. I am so grateful to not be working outside the home right now and for the opportunity to watch my boys and their personalities and wisdom. I do miss having an identity that wasn't wife or mom, but just me and somewhere along these last ten years she's trailed off into a distance that I am afraid her silhouette will soon disappear as well. The night is long. My thoughts are longer, and I feel there would be no point in putting to paper what I feel tonight more than the above. Here's to getting more done tomorrow than I did today...although I did paint a door green and it smiles to me every time I pull up to the house...and that is a happy thought to end on.

Frightened Rabbit

Here is my music pick for the week. "These Things" by Frightened Rabbit. Just what I needed on a day like today. Look them up on LaLa and tell me what you think.

Love you all!

10:00 AM

My friend Jen and I have started a quest to walk off this dreaded weight of mine. She says she's working to lose weight to but I'm still trying to figure out what she's talking about. She's got slim legs and no Relief Society arms. I've very jealous. If she could work off some of mine that'd be great but since she can't she's giving me someone to talk to as we walk along. Our furthest route so far was 4.5 miles. It was great! We made it in about an hour. That was slow for her so I've got to pick up the pace. Thanks to all the meds I'm on I haven't lost anything yet but I'll keep you posted. Kirstie Alley's goal is to lose 90 pounds during her show. Mine is closer to 50 by the end of summer. Wish me luck! WALK ON!

Sucked In

So recently I caught a couple episodes of Kirstie Alley's My Big Life. I have to say I'm totally hooked. Maybe it's the fact that I struggle with my weight, have a love hate relationship with my bathroom scale, or am just glad to see someone else having a hard time. No matter the reason, I really enjoyed what I've seen so far.

Some New Pics

I just have to say that my brothers-in-law are so talented! This Christmas we had one of them take some pictures for my parents as a gift. I just wanted to post some of them becuase I think they are great. Thanks again Ryan!

OUCH!

While away at a dinner, Port and the grandparents headed out to the grocery store. While Porter was running up ahead he turned back to meet up with Grandma and Grandpa when he fell into a metal piece jutting out from a shelf. They said at first they thought he had just bumped his head but then the blood started rushing down his face. To hear Porter tell it now "I had blood all over my hands and face, and got a blue balloon".

Luckily they were on the toilet paper aisle and were able to get some presure on the puncture site. The staff at the store were great to get assistance and let them leave their groceries there while they went to the InstaCare. Grandpa and his amazing pocket knife cut a regular bandaid into a butterfly bandage and kept the skin together until they arrived at the doctor.

While there they had a really hard time stopping the bleeding. The nurse told me that it had to be really deep because after several applications of numbing gell when she washed the area with water he screamed at the top of his lungs.

When it came time for stitches they had to inject the area to make it numb. They told me they could strap him to the bed or I could hold him. I asked Porter what he wanted and he chose for me to hold his hands down. Levi held his legs, I held his hands and the nurse held his head.

I will tell you now I have never wanted to sob so hard in my life. I had tears flowing down my face trying to look brave for him. He locked eyes with me and full out screamed as they injected three times right into his puncture. He arched his torso and was obviously in excrusiating pain but my brave little boy didn't try once to let go of my hands just like he promised.

A ton of tears and three stitches later and we were out the door.

What a brave little buggy I have!