I am at a strange place in my life. I feel directionless, waiting on so many things that I'm stuck in one place until something happens. I have three boys romping around all day, my stepson here for summer vacation, my oldest trying to keep up with him, and my youngest crawling his way into everything he can't touch. The two older boys have been fighting non-stop it seems however whenever one is in time out the other is begging for me to give them "one more chance". My house is cluttered. I'm trying to dejunk so many boxes from so many moves ago it feels at time easier to just throw them all out on the next garbage day. I don't sleep well and I don't eat much. When I do it's more an act for the boys to have a parent eating with them. My husband works so much and complains even more about my skills as a housewife. I wonder most days if I'm cut out for it. I'm hoping as soon as summer turns back into school days and my stepson returns to his mom's that I will be able to get control of this cardboard chaos lingering around every corner. My little one just hit a milestone and the photographer captured every moment with precision. She was so energetic and captivating. It made me wonder what the heck I was doing in my life. I am not energetic nor captivating. I was doing well at getting some physical exercise in each day, but with my husband's ever changing schedule that has again fallen to the way side and as I slump here in this chair I am ever reminded of a time before when I was captivating and energetic and HAPPY as a woman, as a wife. I am happy to be a mom. I am so grateful to not be working outside the home right now and for the opportunity to watch my boys and their personalities and wisdom. I do miss having an identity that wasn't wife or mom, but just me and somewhere along these last ten years she's trailed off into a distance that I am afraid her silhouette will soon disappear as well. The night is long. My thoughts are longer, and I feel there would be no point in putting to paper what I feel tonight more than the above. Here's to getting more done tomorrow than I did today...although I did paint a door green and it smiles to me every time I pull up to the house...and that is a happy thought to end on.